Save Maria!
by Weirdo94
Summary: Shadow goes back in time to correct the mistake made 50 years ago. Watch him fail horribly and get Maria killed in horrific ways!
1. Chapter 1:The Idea

Hello, this is the author, Weirdo94. I'd just like to point out to everyone that this is a comedy. I'm not trying to replicate the characters perfectly, I'm not going for deep character development, and I'm not going for an epic storyline. I'm simply going for a cheap laugh, and if you're not looking for that, then don't continue reading, get pissy about it, and start complaining in the reviews. Because that's stupid, really stupid.

Now without further ado...

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**Save Maria! Chapter 1: The Idea**

It's another long morning for Shadow, who after fifty years, still cannot get over Maria Robotnik's death. Alone in a small apartment, he is found cooking eggs. Scrambled, like his memories.

"Ugh...Why can't I keep my mind off of that day?" He says, as he rests his head on the counter that heats his breakfast, "If I could only move on and find something to make me happy again." Shadow then sighs and says "No, she's the only one who could return joy to my life, but it would be impossible to bring her back. I'd have to be able to travel through the fabric of time itself to do that, and that's impossible"

At this point the Ultimate Lifeform's nose begins to twitch after picking up an odd scent. "What's that smell?" Ponders Shadow, as he tries to identify it. At this point his senses finally decipher the smell of burning flesh, as the incredible pain of laying your head down on a heated stove while monologing for a good two and a half minutes kick and sends Shadow running down the hallway, screaming like a small girl and looking for the burn treatment kit.

Twenty minutes later, with half of his face bandaged and covered in aloe, Shadow begins to eat his breakfast. He slowly picks a piece of cold egg from out of the frying pan and beings to take small, uninterested nibbles at it. Right now his mind is still deeply focused on Maria. Is there a way to go on without her, and more importantly, is there a way to bring her back?

And that's when it hit him…

Maybe he COULD find a way to travel back in time, surely someone had to be researching this kind of technology! The first name that popped in his head was the Eggman, but he was out on vacation…

**-------------------**

"_Shadow, I'm going on a vacation!"_

"_A vacation? Exactly where do you plan to go, Doctor?"_

"_To Bermuda, baby!" Eggman says with a smirk as he pulls out a small piece of bright red cloth._

"_And this thong shall be my key to hot women and good times!"_

"…"

**-------------------**

Shadow shudders at the thought of Robotnik in a thong, "Bermuda, eh? He's not coming back in a long time…Thank God" But this still leaves him with a dilemma, if he can't ask the doctor for help, then who can he ask? There was only one person, and despite how much he hates the idea, he knew there was no other option…

**-------------------**

Knock Knock Knock "Tails, open the damn door!" The foxboy peeks his head out a nearby window then opens the door to greet our angsty protagonist.

"Oh, hi Shadow, what brings you here on this fine day?"

"Cut the small talk. Do you have any devices capable of time travel?"

"Yes, quite a few, actually"

"I need to borrow one"

"Okay, just one second"

Tails runs off to his lab while Shadow waits by the front door, tapping his foot impatiently. After two minutes, Tails returns with a Telly the Teaching Time Clock, a cute children's clock for teaching time, on a gold chain.

"This is the Flava Flav Children's Time Traveler's Clock of Love" Said Tails proudly, "I've been working on getting this into the stores for quite some time now. I've got at least a dozen of them though, so you can keep this one"

"Wow, really?" Said Shadow in amazement.

"Yeah, sure, why not?"

"Wow. Um…Usually I have to go on a homicidal killing spree to get anything I want, I even brought my gun with me. To tell you the truth, I feel a bit awkward bringing it all this way just for nothing."

The next three seconds were nothing but awkward silence, followed by Shadow quickly pulling out his precious .44 Desert Eagle and firing a round into Tails' ankle.

"Well, I guess I have to get going."

"Okay, bye Shadow" Said Tails happily, as he lay on the ground in the fetal position, clutching his ankle with his left hand and desperately trying to stop the bleeding.

A few moments later, Sonic approaches his injured friend and asks, "Hey, what did Shadow come here for?"

"Oh, nothing much. Just wanted to borrow a time machine and shoot me in the leg" replied Tails

"Well next time you see Shadow, can you tell him I said Hi?"

"Sure thing, Sonic!"

**-------------------**

Back at the apartment, the day of reckoning had finally come. Shadow held the talking children's clock high in the air by it's dazzling golden chain, "Now I will finally undo the mistakes that were made fifty years ago!" Says Shadow in a triumphant voice, "But first…"

…And as Shadow utters those words, the clock begins to glow and the speakers wail,"Yeah boyyyyy, back to October 3rd, 3236!" and with a bright flash, Shadow disappears...without a trace…

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Comments: Woo, about time I made something with Shadow in it! Anyway, if you came here from the promise of a comedy co-starring Maria, she comes into the picture next chapter. Okay then, have fun waiting for the update! . 


	2. Chapter 2:A Well Planned Attack

Okay, okay, you really want more Save Maria!, I got it! So now I give you, the second epic chapter of Save Maria!...Enjoy!

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Save Maria! Chapter 2: A Well Planned Attack 

With a loud bang and a bright flash, our hero finds himself in a dark room. He hears a hoarse (and somewhat drunk) voice in the distance "The hell was that? You damn kids..get…off….my…." The voice then lets out a lengthy yawn and appears to doze off to sleep. Shadow drops to the ground to avoid detection, for the price of detection is not slavery or death, no, it is far worse. The price of detection is the end of all existence, as we know it. For you see, he has traveled back to his own apartment, six months in the past.

Shadow quietly sneaks through the mess strewn across his house. The halls are littered with decorations and disposable silverware from an alcohol party that carried long into the night. The evidence of the madness that took place just a few hours ago is shown in the picture of this post-celebration apocalypse.

The dark hedgehog comes across his own exhausted body, which is laid out upon the couch in an uncomfortable position and loosely holding a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels Boston Lager in his left hand. Tempting as it is, Shadow passes the booze and goes for a more important item, the small white and blue Blockbuster box labeled "Snakes on a Plane" that lie on the coffee table nearby.

"Finally, this mistake shall be rectified. For no longer will I suffer through the knowledge that I have failed to return this video on time. Yes, I will restore my _ultimate Blockbuster record_!" Says Shadow quietly to himself as he picks up the case and checks inside for the movie. At that moment, his sleeping counterpart of the past begins to twitch and mumble to himself. Shadow wastes no time leaving the apartment and has an uneventful trip returning the DVD to the Blockbuster.

**-------------------**

Later, The Ultimate Lifeform is found rejoicing in the parking lot of the local Blockbuster "Finally!" he says, "The errors of my past have been corrected! Never again shall I be haunted by the memory of an overdue rental!" At that very moment, the sound of an automobile crashing into a power pole is heard. Shadow investigates and finds the drunken mass that used to be Knuckles, tipsily staggering away from a red 1983 Dodge Mirada, which was just totaled as a result of the apocalyptic alcohol extravaganza.

"Hawwzit gooin'?" says the drunken echidna as he takes a sip of his Coors Light.

"Fine", responds Shadow.

"Rheely? Bhuut whaasn't yew bhrooden ah-boot shoomtheen eahrlier aht thhe pahrteh?"

"Brooding, why would I be brooding?"

"Shumpthin' ah-boot ah geerl, Mahreah, wahs eet?"

Shadow promptly slaps himself in the forehead and says to himself; "Maria!" as he quickly grabs the gold plated kindergartener's clock hanging around his neck, sets it for fifty years in the past and disappears in an explosions of light and sound

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Our anti-hero finally arrives at his true destination from a portal hovering a good five feet in the air. He lands on a knee, using his hand to absorb some of the shock of the landing, slowly rises to his feet and looks around to survey the area. The surroundings appear to be a long, empty hallway in the depths of the ARK, and there's not a sign of distress in sight. "It seems that the attack has yet to start…a perfect chance to stage a surprise strike!" he says to himself before quietly hiding himself in a nearby doorway.

Meanwhile, an unsuspecting guard goes about his rounds of patrolling the halls. During his patrol, the guard hears the sound of footsteps in the distance, but ignores it as he says to himself, "It's probably just the professor's granddaughter playing with that stupid hedgeh…", but is cut off as he receives a flying kick to the back of the head by the aforementioned "Stupid Hedgehog". He tries to call for help, but is quickly silenced as his head is forced backwards, snapping his spine and causing quite a mess in the process.

Shadow wastes no time relieving the deceased guard of his assault rifle, brushing some of the blood and vomit from the deceased guard off of his fur and setting out on one of his favorite activities, a homicidal rampage.

Now, it has been quite some time since Shadow has been on his last psychotic killing spree, so he begins to get caught up in the moment. After about five and a half minutes, the ultimate life form has racked up a kill count of one hundred and seventy eight, twenty five of them are headshots, thirteen are Mortal Kombat style fatalities, and two are simply cases of Shadow pulling out a minigun and filling the poor sap full of holes while screaming "RICHAAAARD!" to the top of his lungs.

But Shadow's slaughter comes to an abrupt end as he hears a soft, faint voice call out his name. He immediately recognizes the voice and replies "Maria, where are you?" following the voice to it's source. There he finds the girl he came to save, badly wounded and buried in the body pile of countless GUN soldiers.

"Maria!" screams Shadow as he falls to his knees, "Who did this to you!?"

In a weak voice, Maria responds, "You...did...cough...you...dumbass..."

Shadow stands up and closes his eyes as he holds up his right fist and says, "Maria, tell me which of these monsters did this to you and I'll make him pay!"

Maria glares at Shadow and says, "W...what...don't you...understand? Y...you shot me...cough...during your...insane killing spree!"

Shadow turns his back to the wounded girl and says, "No, this is GUN's fault…all of it. I'll hunt them down like the dogs they are!"

At this point Maria begins to get quite pissed. (Though it does help her ignore the whole "world of pain" part of being filled up with more lead then a pencil) She screams, "Damn it, Shadow, are you even listening to me?"

Once again, Shadow ignores her and says, "Don't you worry, Maria, their blood will soak the Earth! I'll make sure of it!"

Maria snaps and rips a shoe off one of the dead guards and throws it at Shadow's head. This is met with a response of "WHAT THE HELL!?" and an instinctive unloading of an entire clip into Maria's face. Before Shadow knows just what he did, it's too late. All he can do now is stare at the result of his action and say, "Aw shit…" before quickly leaving the area via Flava Flav.

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Comments: Hooray, this is the longest chapter I've written in anything! In fact, I think it's the first that took three days to make. (not counting all the days I decided to be lazy) I've also taken note that this little mess didn't take long to get a storm of reviews. Actually, I think it's simply because my other story stars a freaking first level boss that's less significant then even the obscure characters from the old cartoons. So with that in mind, I'm going to shamelessly plug my other story, Whale the Whale. I want you to read it right now. Trust me, you'll love it! 

Oh, and to answer a question in the reviews, a friend of mine actually came up with the general idea. (the same friend that I worked with to create Whale the Whale) I just built on it from there on out.

One more thing, I've got a cookie for whoever knows where the "RICHAAAAARD" joke came from.


End file.
